When jokes

When you're mad, you might as well just punch an orphan because what can they do, tell their parents?

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

"Where ya going?"

"When I die, hell, but right now, my room."

I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3

There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves.

The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head."

The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

When do you take a cow to the movies?

On a mooo-vie!

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

I was running away from expired grocery items with my friend, when I got out I noticed he was left for bread. I felt so guilty, he was toast. I'm not loafing this.

Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

When do astronauts eat lunch?

At launch time.

What did the man say when he knocked down the bookshelf?

Looks like I've only got myself to blame...

What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"

He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"

What do you call your mom when she goes into the shower?

A shower ma! (shawarma)

What song is sung when conceiving?

"Let's Get Physical, Physical!"

Y'know what's really sad?

Why break the fourth wall when you can turn the third wheel?

Yo mama so old that when she farts, she farts dust!

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?

Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.

Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.

I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.