Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What's a person in a wheelchair's favorite sport?
Jousting.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
How do you execute a retard?
The Electric Wheelchair.
There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"
So one time this really rich guy’s son’s birthday was coming up. So he asks his son what he wants. So the son says, "Can I have pink ping pong balls?" The father asks why, and his son stays silent.
The dad decides to get it for him. The dad doesn’t see the son ever do anything with them. A year later the dad asked him what he wants. The son then says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" The dad then responds with, "Son, why? I gave you some last year, and this whole year you did not play with them." The son, yet again, stays silent. The Dad was reluctant to do it but did it anyway.
Now a few years later, the son is now 20, and his rich dad and him have not seen each other in a while. So the dad decides to celebrate his son's birthday. He asks his son once again what he wants, and his son says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" His dad screams, "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE BALLS!!! I NEVER SEE YOU WITH THEM, AND YET YOU STILL WANT MORE. WHAT THE HELL!!!" The son, yet again, stays silent. The dad, though a little pissed, decides to buy as much of the pink ping pong balls that he sees and gives it to his son. The son is happy but does not do anything.
Now after a while, the son is about 30, and he and the father are more distant than ever. The father gets a call from a hospital telling him that his son could die from a disease that only 2 people survived. So the father goes there and starts crying and grieving. Then he asks his son what he would like before he dies. The son then says, "Can you buy me all of the factories that produce pink ping pong balls?" His dad doesn’t question because he is too sad to and buys him the only factory that produces pink ping pong balls. Then the doctors put him in a wheelchair and follow the dad, and they take him to one of the pink ping pong ball factories, and the dad says, "Okay, son, I fulfilled what you wanted. But what have you done, and what do you plan to do with all of these pink ping pong balls?" The son, ignoring the question, says, "This is magnificent. My final wish is that I stay here overnight."
So the doctors and the father decide to, and everyone goes home to sleep. The next day, everyone returned to the factory to find all the pink ping pong balls gone and the son. The father was sad but a little angry and decided to search his whole house to find pink ping pong balls but doesn’t find any, and they search the whole factory for the son and the balls. And soon they end up searching the whole earth and never found him.
Penis.
I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."
What's the chunkiest part of vegetable soup?
The wheelchair.
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. Oh, wait, he doesn’t walk.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
Q: What do you call a man in a wheelchair?
A: Disabled.
The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
What is a carrot's favorite shop?
The wheelchair store.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
Where was Stephen Hawking during the house fire?
The top of the stairs.
Stephen Hawking walks into a b... nevermind.
