What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.
Whats Jokes
What do you call a dog that's faced backwards?
A god.
What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
What type of jam can you not eat?
Traffic jam.
What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What do you call someone who farts in public? A private tutor.
A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."
The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"
The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call an annoying emo kid? A nuisance.
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
Me: (Tim) What's wrong?
Him: Wha...
Me: Are you inTIMidated?
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a red Ferrari?
I don't have the Ferrari.
What's long, black, and sticky?
A stick.
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops sucking after you f*cking slap it.
What does a kid with cancer and dark humor have in common? They never get old.
What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.