Weight jokes
Your mama is so fat, when she went camping, the bears hid their food from her.
Yo mom is so fat when she went to sit on the couch it said, "To be continued."
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?
Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"
Joe Mama so fat, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl!
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."
There are three men walking down the road, and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm, there is a cow, a monkey, and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money, and the farm is going out of business.
One of the men sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest, but the cow is so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle, it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them suggested that they put a cork up the cow's behind. The first guy says, "Okay, then go put a cork there."
"I don't want to do it. You do it."
"No, you do it."
The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it." And the monkey puts the cork in the cow's behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm.
The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of the cow. "Guys, we need to take the cork out of the cow," he says.
"Well, I'm not going to do it. You do it."
"No, you do it."
The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it again." So the monkey uncorks the cow, and there was a huge explosion. A few days later, the three men wake up in the hospital.
The doctor walks up to the first man and asks, "What happened?"
The first man replies, "All I remember is that horrible sound."
The doctor walks up to the second man and asks, "What happened?"
"All I remember is that horrible smell..."
The doctor walks up to the third man and again asks the same question. The third man looks at him and says, "All I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."
Yo mama so fat, she stand on the scale and the scale says: "I want your weight, not your phone number!"
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
Joe mama is so fat, Dora can't explore her.
Why is the fat man roping himself to the side of a mountain?
So he doesn't roll back down!
Yo mama so fat, she eat 60 Big Macs while singing "Badaaha."
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
Your mom is so fat that she cannot look at her feet when taking a shower.
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"
Your mama so fat, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
The earth used to be flat.
Till they buried yo mama.