3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
Jesus could walk on water and Chuck Norris can swim through land
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
A Roman walks into a bar
He holds up two fingers and says "give me five beers."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. -- They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
Indian guy and American guy in a wheelchair met in a Bar for drinks. American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk. Indian guy got drunk and walked away.
A hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here."
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar- just kidding.
Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.
When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."
A blind guy walks into a bar.
A hot girls wants to do suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly smelly homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says "hey you hot babe, let's fuck. She just answers "get the fuck away you ugly bastard". The guy just laughs and says "alright i wait down there".
*A priest walks into a wine store*
"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."
A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
A teacher asks a boy in her class "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think. Later, the boy asks the teacher "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says "The one sucking it." The boy says "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
So I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her
You walk into a mcdonalds and you ask for some extra mayo and they put to much on there. I say I didn't order a Mc cumshot
A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. the farmer says "I milked your cow". the neighbor replies "i have a bull not a cow"
A man walks into a bar, he takes a seat and asks the barmen if he wanted to hear a blonde joke, the barmen replies before you tell this joke I want to tell you something, see the women over there, she is a black belt in karate, she's blonde , see the bouncer over there he is also a blonde, see the chick over there with that pool que she is also blonde, also I have a shotgun behind the bar i'm blonde, so do you still want to tell your joke? He replies f**k that I ain't explaining the joke 4 times.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted
