US jokes

What does the pedophile use for bait? Trix!

My name is Joe Biden, and I am running for US Senate.

Canada is the Keanu Reeves of countries. Too bad the US is the Kanye West of countries instead of the Dolly Parton of countries.

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.

Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.

Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)

What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?

Slaves.

The Earth used to be flat until they buried yo mama.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

Why do vegans use blowjobs?

Because they can’t take real meat.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use a honeycomb.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Iceberg lettuce. Iceberg lettuce who? Iceberg! Let us in!

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

I used to work at a T-shirt factory before the company folded.

Why do Jedis stay single?

Because they use "divorce" (the Force).

May divorce be with you!

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

Welcome to Joe's abortion clinic! No fetus can beat us! You make 'em, we take 'em!