US jokes

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

Why couldn't Cinders use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach?

Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers. They used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two until they divided into multiple pieces.

What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic and dangerous for children to play with, the other is used for carrying groceries.

KFC doesn’t use toilet paper because it is finger lickin' good!

What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?

Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

What kind of flour do orphans use to bake bread?

Self-raising flour.

Blossom: Why are we dating the Rowdyruffs when we're technically siblings?

Bubbles:...

Buttercup: I don't know, but those people over there are lookin' at us weird.

Alabama: 😈

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.

Why can't orphans use a phone?

Because they don't have a home screen.

Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?

A: Tuba-glue.

We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.

Your hairline's so far back even Bill Nye the Science Guy couldn't use photosynthesis to fix it.

I would make a joke about Silver the Hedgehog... but it's no use!

They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!