US jokes

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

Yo mama so fat, she uses the equator as her belt.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?

Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.

Why couldn’t people use the George Floyd action figure? Because it was vacuum sealed.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

Yo hairline was used as the blueprint for the Great Wall of China.