Touch jokes
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"
How do you prevent a physics teacher from drowning? Shoot her before she touches the water.
Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"
What jumps higher than a basketball player?
An emo kid, they never touch the ground.
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."
I love Fortnite because I touched grass for the first time and also I love Chung Lei.
Roses are red,
I don't know what is brass.
I tell myself,
"Don't touch grass."
Yo forehead so big it touches yo neck.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
Go touch some grass, bro.
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."
If you can’t touch your brain or see your brain, you don’t have a brain?
Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways.