Worst Jokes Ever

Carter is a pussy.

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”

What do you do with a frozen vegetable?

You wait for it to thaw.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

One time there was a squirrel who died.

It was funny because the squirrel got dead.

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What do you call a bitch? A dumbass, hahahahaha.

What am I doing?

Your mom.

How do you beat Lady Gaga at Texas hold’em?

Poker face.

My name is Jeff.

What's the difference between Arsenal and West Ham?

Arsenal can win trophies and win games.

Never trust a Justin, he is made up of atoms that make up everything.

What do you call a three humped camel?

A prostitute from New York.

A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to hit on a blonde. When she turns him down, he goes to her and says, "C'mon, I'm a fun guy!"

What was Jim Jones' favorite drink?

Killer Kool-Aid.

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Hi, my name is Bob.

What do you call a smart egg? An egghead.

That was an egg-cellent joke!

What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a baby?

The refrigerator doesn't cry when I put my meat in it.