Worst Jokes Ever
Did you hear the scores of the African basketball game?
It was Eight-Nothing.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
What is a gay person’s favorite book?
The dictionary.
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Two husbands walk into a bar.
The first one says, "My wife is an angel."
The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.