Worst Jokes Ever

I'm shocked that Kanye West never tried to get Carrie Underwood's number after Carrie starred in a pro-Aryan ad for Almay.

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50 and Jack came down smiling.

Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.

Which way did the cow jump over the moon?

- The Milky Way!

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Why are mountains never serious?

Because they’re hill areas.

What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

What do you call a rich Chinese man? Ching Ching.

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.