My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up that little shit wants to be gone down an alley
A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied... I told him, "Just tell them what you see."
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like dad what are you doing? I said don’t worry you’ll be doing it soon. He said why is that? I told him my arm is getting tired.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid, they were still breathing so I told them to walk it off.
My father told me to always carry a womens bag but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped moms bag when we went parachuting. :(
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library, when we returned them he said “your sister works the returns right” I told him “yes she does and she will be here in about five minutes”. He said “ why don’t we put a cook book in the women’s sports section” I told him “I love it” so I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
Yesterday I purchased a world map And told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands I will take her turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge
BlessedBrian, your secrets are safe with ME... because I wasn’t LISTENING when you told them
My proctologist used to be a photographer, he took x-rays and told me to bend over and say cheese
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory, one day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station,I told her so you can weigh yourself on the truck scale.
Wats the funniest thing u ever read? 4 me it wusz when rapboat told me he wuz a legit rapper.
A guy told a beautiful girl "hey I want to make love to you if I throw 2000$ when you go to pick it up that's when I'll go is that okay?" She called her husband and he said "okay but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down" Four hours later she shows up to her house and tell her husband "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS"
I told my wife i needed a blood transfusion when i could not remember she said be positive to. Bad i am now a ghost wrighting this
My dad told me "No electronics at the table", so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school
So I had him bring my wife
My grandma asked me if I could visit her
I told her no I don’t like graveyards
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline. The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me." a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes. I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
