I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard, the genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes but under 1 condition." "What is it?" she asked. "After I grant your final wish you have to have sex with me," the genie replied. "Okay for my 1st wish I wish to be the Prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty. "For my 2nd wish I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town. "And you final wish?" the genie asked. "I wish i had a sabertoothed vigina."
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
Ms Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that. Little Johnny: Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
I went fishing with my grandpa and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun. A black man said where are the young ones.
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up that little shit wants to be gone down an alley
A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...
I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like dad what are you doing? I said don’t worry you’ll be doing it soon. He said why is that? I told him my arm is getting tired.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library, when we returned them he said “your sister works the returns right” I told him “yes she does and she will be here in about five minutes”. He said “ why don’t we put a cook book in the women’s sports section” I told him “I love it” so I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
