Told jokes

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."