I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."
How does she know I have that?
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."
I told my fam a joke.
They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.
I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.
I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.
Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Bro told me this when he passed away.
I’m “Fading.”
My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
