Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)
My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!
My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...
So I threw a coconut at her.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦♂️
One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"
I told him, "Probably a bullet."
I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"
My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.
People say I should be proud of my autism, but truth be told, I'm only in it for the help in class.
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
