What did mommy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her? I really hit the mother lode with you.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
How do Americans learn the metric system? 9mm at a time. problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender can squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time Weight Lifters, Lumberjacks, men in the Army, and Etc. But still, nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down the bartender said "okay" and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to Total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weight lifter or what?". The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS".
Guys.... you need to ketchup with the time....
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
