Tie-up jokes

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.

Why can’t a tree have sex? They are always tied up.

I like my women like I like my wine.

Twelve years old and tied up in my basement.

Little Johnny asks a fireman, "Do you want to see my fire truck?"

So the fireman goes to look at it. Little Johnny tested it. "I got my hat in my fire truck."

So the fireman says, "Last night's alright, but why is it tied up to you wagging?" And he looks closer and sees the string is tied up in knots. He said, "That's nice all right, but why is it tied up to his nuts?"

The little Johnny said, "Well that's my son," and so he yanks on it.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?

They both leave you hanging.

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.