New Ticket Jokes

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

Leo must be a PARKING TICKET... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

You're so wonderful that Wonderland booked tickets to meet you!

One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!

Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.

Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!

Buy a man an airplane ticket, he will fly once. Throw a man off an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life.” -Sun Tzu

The police police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.

Your mama smells so bad. Everytime she goes outside. She gets ticketed for pollution. She's so ugly everytime she looks out a window she gets arrested for mooning.

I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries. A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.

Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Why didn’t the orphan see the new movie?

It was spider man no way home

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

When I was younger i went to an indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the Cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to "hold it properly". So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.