The 25+ Best Thousand Jokes

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy" - One of the thousands of missing children

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

James Woods, starring in the newest movie: September 11, two thousand fun

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

My gf left me for spending my own money I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute she leaves me

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?" The priest says, "Because I'm a father." Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards." The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery story. The young boy then screams to a random woman “ your an ugly bitch”. The mother grabs her son, and says “ I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map, it took me ages to finish it. But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground and it's done.

You know what, I'm done. We are banning "your mom" jokes. They're old, weird, and have been done thousands of times. Just like your mom.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only killed communists.”

What’s the difference between God and Hitler? God made thousands Of bread, Hitler made thousands of toast

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

" I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friends house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away." " I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."

Said no horror movie character ever

and also GTA logic

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender can squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time Weight Lifters, Lumberjacks, men in the Army, and Etc. But still, nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down the bartender said "okay" and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to Total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weight lifter or what?". The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS".