You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?
You keep the tradition of hitting black things.
Do you want to be in Heaven with Jesus, our savior, or be on Earth with bad things?
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.
What's one thing that you can say about a train, but not your girlfriend?
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
