Thing jokes
What is the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You need to drop the bomb twice on her before she gets it.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
What’s the best thing about 28 year olds?
There’s 20 of them.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
What are three things you can't give a black guy?
A fat lip, a black eye, and a job.
What's the best thing about an abortion joke??
No one gets offended.
Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
There are only 2 things I hate in this world:
1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. 2. The French.
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.
I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.