Thing jokes

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?

Sum ting wong.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

What’s the only long-lasting thing from China?

Covid.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?

Hitler knows when to kill himself!

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

What’s one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

What is the one thing wrong with Asian pet stores?...

There is always a kitchen in the back.

Black holes and horny black women have 1 thing in common, they suck everything in sight.