They jokes
They asked to tell them a joke, so I said no.
Why can’t an emo have sex?
They can’t make it to the bed, they kept swinging on the tree.
This is a joke about Ms. Ploopatoink, a made-up character who is a pink fluffy pony who loves toilet paper.
Why is Ms. Ploopatoink like a toilet plunger?
They both jump in the toilet!
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Don't worry, neither have they.
Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.
. . .
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Cause they taste funny.
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
Kid to daddy: "Why do they call it Uranus?"
Daddy to kid: "Cause, son, it's Uranus."
Yo mama so old, I bet she was born when dinosaurs were made, and also she killed them with they breath! 😭😭
Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?
Because they ate all the bats!
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
I don’t usually tell 9/11 jokes, they usually crash and burn.
Once I took a test on waving signal flags.
They said I passed with flying colors.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing. They just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."
A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."
What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?
Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock.