There jokes

Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.

I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.

The parents used to hit him.

His parents got into a car crash and died.

He became an orphan in an orphanage. The people there hit him. He looked up and said "Parents?"

An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.

The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"

And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

This isn't a joke, I repeat, this is not a joke. The plane in Lake Harriet is not in the lake. It is invisible because of the satellite pic, so there's no plane in Lake Harriet.

Friend: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Your life.

Me: Ahhh, I wish!

*jumps off building*

My bf: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

My bf: Ice cream.

Me: Ice cream who?

My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Awww, don't cry!

Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family because there is no "f" in orphan.

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Harry Potter

Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"

Jumanji

Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."

You can get into a fight with an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing. They just waved.

Did you sea what I did there?

Why are there gates on a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get inside. Lol

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve!

If you are on here, don’t hate. There will be rude ones, but it doesn’t matter.