There jokes
I feel bad for shopping carts. They're always being pushed around.
1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."
2019: The flying cars future.
9/11 is like genders.
There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be DYING to get in there.
Don't flirt when there is Life Alert!
Edna: Hey there big boy!
Big boy: You need to stop doing this.
There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."
So the guy replies,
OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."
So the guy replies,
OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "Here you go!"
So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
You sound like an owl.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you ♥️.
An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.
The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.
Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.
I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Baby!"
"Baby who?"
"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"
"No thanks, I already ate."
There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.
Why can't dinosaurs talk?
'Cause they're dead.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Doctor."
"Doctor who?"
"Doctor Who."
What's wrong with airline food...! They're not black, and they're not people. hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahXD!!!!!!!!! You're welcome?
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile? There isn't a difference.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ligma.
Ligma who?
Ligma bum crack!
China servers are up on Fortnite, yeah, check by there.
"China getting this dick in your mouth 😂"
My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."