A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
Them Jokes
Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
Why was the staircase so sad?
Because everyone walks on them.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.
(Like if you hate feminists.)
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
I'm a big fan of white boards. I find them... Remarkable.
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
Their face when you nail them!
What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.
Elephants never forget.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
