Them jokes

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

I am a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Why do orphans hate dodgeball?

Because nobody misses them.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

Why are Indians such good actors?

Most of them are phone scammers.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.

The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: "Asperger's."