Them jokes
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
I am a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Why do orphans hate dodgeball?
Because nobody misses them.
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.