Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
What is the similarity between a joke and food?
Some people just don't get them!
If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
Why do orphans hate dodgeball?
Because nobody misses them.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!
