Them jokes
I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
What is the similarity between a joke and food?
Some people just don't get them!
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Memes
The type of society we live in
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life