How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.
What's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
Why were the Twin Towers knocked over? Chuck Norris was leaning on one of them.
What's the good thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's twenty of them!
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
What’s the best part about having sex with twenty-six year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
I have a skeleTON of jokes, but none of them are very humorous.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
