The jokes

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn't peeling very well!

Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"

Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes, I know the murderer, The muffin man, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Why did Oliver have no friends?

His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress up as the altar boy.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

Q: What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

A: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Why do orphans love playing tennis?

Because it’s the only love they get.

What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.