The jokes

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?

How much did the haulla-cost?

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

Who is the best at musical chairs?

The kid in the wheelchair.

Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the darkness, but because the darkness is afraid of him.

A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. the extra testicle.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I bet China can be the best baseball team. They took out the entire world with just a bat.

What's long and black? The line at KFC.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why do trees never call emo kids?

The emos always hang up on them.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours. Light him on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?

An orphan has all their teeth intact.

What is a reversed exorcism?

It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."