The jokes

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?

Because they're the ones making the toys.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."

The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?

Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

I played the Angry Birds theme while watching a 9/11 documentary.