The jokes
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"
The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.