The jokes

To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koalafications.

You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

What did the orphan say to the crippled man?

I suffer from crippling depression.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

Why does the nurse need a red pen?

In case she has to draw blood.

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What do the initials BIBLE stand for?

Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

What did music tell the pancakes? -- B flat.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?

because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.