The jokes

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

What's the problem with 9/11 jokes?

They are just two plane.

The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.

What is the most played game in Africa?

The Hunger Games.

I bought a guh on the weekend.

(what's a guh?)

GUHZZLE DEEZ NUTS! 🥜 🔩 🌰

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

What is a dry swimmer?

Not in the water...

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?

"I'd smash that."

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.