The jokes
I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.
I bought a guh on the weekend.
(what's a guh?)
GUHZZLE DEEZ NUTS! 🥜 🔩 🌰
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
What is the most played game in Africa?
The Hunger Games.
OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.
ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!
Memes
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
The joke is my life.
I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
What's the problem with 9/11 jokes?
They are just two plane.
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
Stephen Hawking is so lucky to go to heaven.
Oh never mind, here comes the stairway.
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.