The jokes

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

Why can’t the blind man find love?

It’s called love at first sight.

What did the mute man tell the blind man?

Nothing.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter Eggs!

What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.

I'm pretty sure that 9/11 was the biggest game of Jenga ever recorded in history.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

The toaster;

otherwise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.

What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?

"I'd smash that."

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

What is a dry swimmer?

Not in the water...

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.