The jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

For absolutely no reason.

Your bus is so short... the wheels touch.

Why do dogs howl?

Because that's the only contraction they know.

Why do you pay cash for the metro train in Newcastle upon Tyne?

Why was the cow scared? Cause he had a nightmoo-r.

What do you call a baby in the crib?

Boys and girls watch Monsters, Inc.

Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan in the face. What's he going to do? Tell his parents?

What do cows read? The moospaper!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the moovies.

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

So, a guy walked into the store and said to the worker: "Is this free?"

Then the worker said: "Nope, 'cause I'm on sale!"

"You gave me the same sweater as last year."

"You s w e a t e r believe it."

The Past, Present & Future walked into a bar.

It was tense!

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

What is the address?

What did the ball say to the other ball? "You're baller!"

Why is the tire so tired?

Because it is tired out.

Yo mama so fat when she wanted to get wet, she used the highway as a slippin' slide!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To try to get away from the man.

Why did the man cross the road?

Because his d**k was stuck in the chicken.