The jokes

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

Q: Why doesn’t Jimmy Swaggart worry about his premature ejaculation problem?

A: He believes in the second cumming.

Look in the mirror.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

Q: What's the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic? A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

One day a son and his grandad were smoking.

Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)

Your momma's so fat, she farted in bed and blew the covers off.

How do you get an emo out of the tree?

You cut the rope.

Why did the orphan kill himself?

Yo mama so fat that every time she takes a swim, the Arctic sinks by a mile!

A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"

And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

The apples get picked.

I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

The bully: You're gay.

The nerd: I am.

The bully: Yeah.

The nerd: Then what are you?

What is the road on a hill?

Hillside.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.