The jokes
Why did the man become stupid?
Cause he was suicidal, herbivorous. Ja...
What did the mommy tomato tell the little tomato?
You better ketchup!
Why did the tall building fall?
It was September 11th.
Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.
What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?
"(Me)owwww!"
Memes
Why was the sun afraid of the ocean?
'Cause 7 8 9.
Roses are red, Larry is bad.
I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van!
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.
Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"
When the drip is sus.
Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
Because it did not have the guts.
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.
A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"
"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.
Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."
Why is the disease lung cancer never hungry? Because it's eating your lungs.
So I was at a class at school, and then boom, explosion. Lots of dead.
I shoot at the people too, haha, goodbye class. Scary.
Why don't gay men have anal sex in Greece? because anal sex between gay men is against the law.
The bigger your shoe size is, the bigger your penis is.
The smaller your shoe size, the smaller your penis is.
Your life is the best joke ever.
How do you make Holy Water?
Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.