The jokes

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.

Why did Joe Biden visit Hiroshima? Because the city has the hottest prepubescent girls in the world.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

What do KFC and pussy have in common?

Both are finger lickin' good, and after you are done eating, you have a box to put the bone in.

What’s another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.

Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Where’s The beef?"

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."

roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.

Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?

To take care of his erectile dysfunction.

Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Where did the sheep get a haircut?

At the baa-baa shop.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.

Which way did the cow jump over the moon?

- The Milky Way!

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50 and Jack came down smiling.