The jokes

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.

Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Where’s The beef?"

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.

They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”

Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.

"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.

"Indeed, they are," he was told.

"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"

Why did Joe Biden visit Hiroshima? Because the city has the hottest prepubescent girls in the world.

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”

You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?

Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.

What is the difference between an orphan and a blind kid?

They both can’t see their parents. 😂😂😂😂😂

When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.