The jokes

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

Why doesn't China have a cricket team?

They always eat the bat.

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

What did one twin tower say to the other? "Be back, I gotta catch a plane."

The depressed kid wanted a high-five from the tree, but it left him hangin'.

Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A: A battery has a positive side.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why do short people laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.

What would fall out of a tree first, a depressed person or a feather?

Answer: The feather wouldn't. The rope would stop the person from falling all the way.

What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.