The jokes
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?
Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.
Your mom is so fat that if she sits on top of a gas station, she will lower the prices.
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and they got plain!
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.