The jokes
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
So a man asked another man, "What's your name?"
He says, "What's it to ya?"
So the guy asked again, "And he says what's it to ya?"
Come to find out his name was What's It To Ya.
I got a job at the can factory, but it is soda-pressing.
So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"
The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"
Why was the egg naughty? Because he wanted a good cracking!
Memes
I just found out I'm colorblind!
The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
Only one of them stops sucking after you slap it.
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side! Haha, so funny...
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
Why didn't the bear leave home?
He could not bear leaving his family.
Why did the clock out the library?
It tocked too much!
Why did the credit card go to jail?
'Cuz it was guilty as charged!
What is the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to a chicken.
Why did the dog walk out at night?
To scare his people!
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
Someone eats glue and tells the other, "Sorry, can't stick around!"