The jokes

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Why do women get periods?

Just cancel the subscription.

So, I was walking around the outside of the building and I saw a kid and asked, "Where's your parents?" I love working at the orphanage.

Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected into office.

Sorry, it was supposed to say "Female," but the "emale" got deleted.

What was so funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

The bomb.

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

"What did the mom broom say to the baby broom? Go to sweep!"

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!

Which school supply is king of the classroom? A ruler.

If you ever think no one cares about you,

kill someone, then the news will.

Why is the number 10 always scared?

Answer: He’s in the middle of 9/11.

Why can't there be a gay disabled person?

Because a fruit can't be the same as a vegetable.