The jokes

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?

It was only 3/5 full.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”