The jokes

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?

The Incredibles.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

What’s the hardest part about being a PEDO?

Fitting in.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

You can’t “jelly” it in her ass.