The jokes

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

What's the best haircut?

Chemotherapy.

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Immigration jokes just cross the line.

What's the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy children.

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."

Joe: "Bi den"