The jokes

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have balls.

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

You are the reason double doors were invented.

Chuck Norris was shot with a gun. The bullet was critically injured.

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

Student: Which end?