The jokes
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
You are the reason double doors were invented.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Student: Which end?
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.
Chuck Norris was shot with a gun. The bullet was critically injured.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?